Living with a narcissist can be a major strain in a marriage and it can be even harder on the children. Kids are always striving to please their parents, but narcissists can’t be pleased by anyone. It’s all about them, all the time, and they always think they deserve more. The same is generally true of the conduct of these parents in a divorce. If your soon to be ex-spouse is a narcissist, you could be in for a fight when it comes to everything, including child custody.

According to the Mayo Clinic, people afflicted with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have “an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships and a lack of empathy.” Some of the other traits displayed by narcissists include:

• Inability to recognize when they are wrong
• Sense of entitlement
• Belief that they are superior to others
• Exaggeration of talents and achievements
• Belittling people they view as inferior
• Taking advantage of others
• Manipulating people, including their own children

If you are planning to engage in joint child custody with a narcissist, you likely will not be able to rely on an informal arrangement. A narcissist will not hold up their end of a bargain unless they have to. So, you will need to seek a child custody order. This can be done as part of a divorce or in Family Court if you are unmarried. An order gives you a legal basis for holding the child’s other parent accountable for compliance with the terms of custody and visitation. If they don’t comply, you can bring an enforcement action in court.

You should document every interaction with the narcissistic parent before, during and after your custody case. Save text messages, voice mails and emails. You may need them to help prove why your child should be with you and not the other parent. You’ll also need this evidence because narcissists like to fight. They thrive on winning, so they are unlikely to cooperate or negotiate. They will rarely admit any wrongdoing, even in court. They may also portray themselves as a victim to get what they want, even if they have to lie. Documenting your interactions can help counteract the lies if and when you need to go to court.

Finally, you may find it helpful if your child has access to an adult they can talk to, such as a family therapist or child psychologist. Ideally, you could find someone who has experience dealing with narcissists and so will be able to see through the charming act the narcissist puts on to deceive others.

At Bombardo Law Office, P.C. in Syracuse, I have wide experience in New York child custody matters, including those involving narcissistic parents. For a free initial consultation, please call my office at 315-800-4002 or contact me online anytime.